Friday, March 27, 2015

Lost email; a cartoon retrospective

Whilst producing a previous blog post, it reminded me of an email I recently received off a lady who stated how much she would love to see a retrospective table book of my Dandy work...mainly that relating to Ollie Fliptrik.

So I had the idea of laying out this post---very much like the one two posts below, with my thoughts on the pages and what was going on in my life at the time---and also to ask the lady that if she sees this post to please get back in touch with me as I would love to talk some more about a picture she wanted doing.

She was obviously a fan and I normally answer fan mail immediately, but for some reason, I didn't answer it that day and promptly lost the email all together; it is no where to be seen and no matter how much I look, I cannot find it.

Anyway, as I said: if you see this post, please do get back in touch and I WILL reply. I promise.

Also I am planning a series of posts all about my time at the Dandy. My thoughts and the process involved in getting the many pages I produced to them on time.

Now because this will be a massive undertaking on my behalf, and no doubt very difficult to fit in between all my other work commitments, I ask that you please be gentle with me and keep coming back.

Of course you could always join my email list, as many of you already have, and have my posts and their links sent direct to your inbox thus insuring you never miss a single post.

Stay tuned and let us speak soon.

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Merry Belated Christmas

Now I know I'm known for my erratic postings (I still aim to resolve this one day) but the lateness of this post is NOT entirely my fault.

Upon first glance a Christmas magazine cover in March is seen as either very late or incredibly early. But it is neither.

I produced this cartoon in time for last Christmas for the Dalesman magazine. I fully intended to publish it here on Dairy of a Cartoonist and Writer but the editor asked me to hold fire as he didn't want anything to go out as a spoiler.

Anyway, one thing led to another and I forgot to post it. But all things being equal, and me being me, here it is. So Merry Christmas to you all and enjoy my bit of magazine frontage tom-foolery----Yorkshire style.

On a final note---and a very nice one for me---the editor emailed me after the ABC figures came out and said that the sales for that Christmas edition were up by a significant percentage point and he is convinced that it was due largely to my cover.

Now that's nice to hear

Friday, January 23, 2015

Aston Villa: Cartoon Mascots

I've been producing the artwork for the Junior Villa Life (JV Life) for a few years--- I even used the characters, and an actual commission, to illustrate one of my tutorials on how I draw a comics page, all of which can be found on my cartoon tutorial page. The main characters are Hercules (the big muscular one), Bella (the leaping lady) and Chip (the techie, speedy one), are the anthropomorphisms of the clubs mascots.

Over the years I've produced a large body of work for JV Life--- some I have enjoyed creating more than others. And today  I would like to share just a few with you, along with my reasons for why they were such a pleasure to produce.

With this page it was simply the weather. I love drawing wind, rain and snow; in fact any extremes of weather. I particularly enjoyed the downward view in panel 7; it was just great when I got the slashing motion of the rain as it pummelled Hercules from above; I think it really added to the overall effect.

Students of the comics page and its colour balancing techniques may also like to know that when drawing murky days and gloomy settings, that darkening the shade of your characters natural colour will all add to the over-all look.

This is the second page from above and the action moves inside. With this page I still kept the dark colours on the main characters to darken the mood.

But seeing as this IS a children's comic, I had to lighten the mood.This came when designing the villain, Captain Splash. What I liked about this particular super Nemesis of the three Villa mascots was his umbrella head; it just made me smile and looked right. Villa though so to.

Normally I dislike producing caricatures in comics pages as it makes them clumsy and cumbersome; the people you caricature never have the same flow as the other cartoon characters on the page and can look a bit stiff.

But that said, my reason for including this page---despite the caricatures--- is simply panels 3 and 5. I just loved the whole shading look in panel 3 and the action in panel 5.

That's it really. Nuff said.

These two are here simply because I loved the action.

Both pages were amongst the very early cartoons I produced for Aston Villa, when the remit seemed to be action, more action and all out action. 

 love doing this, but sadly as they had new masters at the department that commissioned the magazine, they wanted to move away from the slapstick action style that seems to permeate through my style, and move into more story lead ideas.

It's been a while since I drew the last one and I hope there will be more. I think these characters have so much more to give and with the right direction could be so much more than they are at present.

Anyway, I love producing the work and hope that you have enjoyed the snippet trip down my memory lane.

All that is left to point out that all cartoons are the intellectual and actual property of Aston Villa FC, but the fun and love that went into producing them was all mine.


PS: and as an aside, I've just noticed that the first ever post I produced for this blog was about these characters. Click here to view it.

It does seem strange that my blog is now five years old. I must write about that and maybe make a list of some of the highlights...maybe next week. Maybe...

Friday, January 16, 2015

Stealth Road Cameras: More cartoon silliness

Now in all fairness I did say I would be doing more editorials. In all honesty, I didn't think it would be this soon, but I did warn you.

But I'm rather glad that I did, because when I came upon this story from the Mail online site I just couldn't resist it.

Sometimes the headline alone is enough to spark an idea and with this one, the headline was enough. Now I admit I've played around with the actual story---it being about cameras and motorway driving---but the words 'stealth' and 'traffic cameras' were just too much of an opportunity for a mind as odd as mine to miss out on.

Also, this cartoon gives another, perhaps more true bent, as to the style of my cartoon editorial work: mainly that I love writing about life's absurdities more than the hard hitting stuff. I prefer to write about people more than murdering caliphates or twisted politicians, so this cartoon serves more as a guide to what you can really expect from me and my editorial work.

Any way. Enjoy and await more; there really is a whole world of silliness out there and I want to capture it and share it with you.


Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Muslim Caliphate: Twitter cartoon

Someone threatened to cut my head off last week on Twitter. No prizes for guessing where that came from.

The thing is, I actually had no intention of doing any pictures of Mohammed, I just mentioned my disgust and the Paris killings and then some little spotty faced trainee Jihadist from Peckham, London got all moralistic on me, stating that if I said anything else he would remove my head and ended it with #AllahuAkbar. I replied: 'Thank you for the documented death threat, I'll be forwarding this message to the CIA' and ended mine with #GuantanamoBay.

I've heard nothing since.

But my point is this. I was happy with just a rant and a show of solidarity until that little idiot piped up, now he has me wanting to say all kinds of things, and some of them will be against his murdering little sadistic buddies. So the irony is, his ill conceived rant has actually pushed me into doing the very thing he told me not to...

Doesn't he know how we cartoonists work?

Any way, thanks to our little brainwashed hate campaigner, today sees the first one in my new political and social comment cartoons; maybe with even a little editorial in my own inimitable style thrown in to boot.

So I hereby dedicate this cartoon to P****d off of Peckham


Tuesday, November 18, 2014

New look Brabbles & Boggitt, or old look; you decide

To be brutally honest with you, I've been in an almost 365 day 'quandary' session, and it's been driving me insane. It has been almost a year since I finished the first Brabbles & Boggitt tale and nearly a year since I was supposed to start the new one; in fact it's been almost that long that I've been promising you, me and a few Amazon that I will be putting it together and publishing the thing; yet still I have not.

Why? I hear you ask (I have very good hearing). Simple. The first tale was written in a standard comic book format where as the second is being produced in a Sunday strip format, and I quite like it.

So I can either, re draw the first tale, then publish, restart the second tale to fit with the first or hang it all and have the first book forever at size odds with what comes after.

So in my usual manner---and after a year of mental wall blocks---I'm going to throw it to you to decide what you prefer the best, and to help you I have republished three sample pages from the first tale and below it the first three pages of the new story with its Sunday strip format.

Please leave a comment or email me if you prefer, either way PLEAEEEEEEEEAAAAAAASSSSEEEEE help me out of this fix so I can move on with my life...

First 3 random pages from Brabbles & Boggitt, book 1...

 Page 45

 Page 46

...and now for the second book and the Sunday page format.

Page 1

Page 2

Page 3

Like I say, your input is most welcome so please do give it...

Thank you.

Saturday, November 15, 2014

The Spiders are Back!!

At the time of writing this I am coming out of my final session with the therapist about what the spiders in my back room did to me last Christmas. Below is an account of that day:

Mad Friday, Fighting Friday, Black Friday. All names given to the last Friday before Christmas, when tradition dictates that everyone must go out and consume far too much alcohol for their own good and then raise holy hell, and last night was one such night; not for me, but for certain anarchic members of my household.

I’d come home around 7am from a very hectic night at work and was just about to partake in a relaxing cup of tea when the door bell went. I grunted and went to open it and was confronted by two very burly and stern looking Policemen and a laconic WPC who looked directly at me and then to the ground and said:

“Are these your spiders, sir?”

I groaned inwardly as I looked at the four worst offenders in my fraternity of creepy, unwanted lodgers. The one leered at me though 40,000 drunken eyes, the second was looking up the WPC’s skirt while the third was holding the fourths legs back while he was being sick down the drain.

I groaned again, this time lacing it heavily with resignation: “What have they been up to this time?” The copper frowned and said: “Can we come in, Sir?”

My shoulders slumped, but I stood aside and waved them in, the spiders staggering along behind them. I looked at their team leader and exclaimed out loud:

“My god, is that another tattoo?!” He just grinned and staggered off to his web, looking into the fridge on his way to pick out a pack of dried bluebottles he’d stashed there last August; apparently he had the munchies.

Once I’d got them all settled into their webs, telling them they were grounded, and had provided a bucket for the sick one, I returned to the Police officers who were eying up my large stash of pens suspiciously (the ones I’d been collecting from broken crackers at work). I slumped into my chair and bade them continue with the rap sheet.

It turns out that after I had left home for work the spiders had found my stock of Christmas drink and a bottle opener, and after a crash course on how to open bottles from YouTube, had downed most of the real ales and had decided to go up town for a bit of action and a pizza.

This had involved, and I quote: Managing to get themselves inside two barrels of Doom Bar ale and drinking them dry, abseiling drunkenly on thin strands of web with party hats and obscenely shaped candy canes, while frightening the local girls into hysterical screaming fits, doing line after line of Jäger bombs, picking fights with the bouncers and taking out a local county councillor with a taser gun disguised as a blow tickler; the police were eventually called in when they managed to coerce a pack of nuns--- who were on their way to midnight mass--- into the pub and had them cornered and were force feeding them Black Sabbath songs backwards on the Juke Box. Apparently the screams could be heard all over town.

When the police finally arrived, the leader was making lewd suggestions to a very startled looking Rhinoceros beetle and the nuns were genuflecting like epileptics at a light show.

I looked suitable chastened, promised I’d keep a closer eye on them and the officers let me off with a warning. Once they had gone I slumped into my chair once again and released a slow valve sigh of frustration; then the door bell went again.

I grunted my way to the door thinking, ‘what now?’ only to be confronted by a pizza delivery guy with a double pepperoni and jalapeño pizza. I turned to the spiders who had somehow managed to pilfer my mobile phone and were sniggering while they hacked into my Facelessbook account.

So any odd statuses (well odder than normal) appear on here then blame it on the spiders...Bad spiders, very bad spiders!

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

A little help please

Its been a few months since I uploaded my first book---the Night of the Village Idiots---to Amazon Kindle, and so far it has had a nice little pile of downloads. But now I am looking to start marketing it more heavily, and this is where you all come in.
What I want is reviews, a new book from an untested author desperately needs reviews so as the browsing buyer can see what others think before purchasing. So what I'm asking---to all my Diary of a Cartoonist and Writer friends and readers---is if there are willing participants out there who like a laugh and to read humorous tales and would like to give my book a go FOR FREE, then please message me, either on the contact me page or by pasting and copying my address which is with your email address and I will send you the file, and all I ask for in return is a review...bad or good, but preferably good.
Your help is very much appreciated.

Friday, October 10, 2014

101 uses for a Dead Mother-in-Law

A oldish project that I've been working on with a collaborator---not something I normally do---is called 101 uses for a dead Mother in  Law.

Yes, I kn ow, not a very salubrious theme, but with the silly ideas and Warner Bros type slapstick humour, I hope to win people over.

Anyway, the first cover is done---I'm sure there will be changes---but its a start. So along with the syndicated strip ideas I will be updating with this project as and when news comes to me.

Monday, September 29, 2014

New comic strip, new hopes and new ideas...

Well, once again, here I am apologising for not having gotten around to posting on this, my launch pad site for the many ideas I have and the projects I undertake that you, my wonderful followers, follow.

As you can see I have been busy, and today I can announce the completion of my first comic strip submission for syndication in over 10 years. And to celebrate this mile stone I've attached the character sheet and all 30 strips, as I have submitted them, for your delectation and enjoyment.

The cartoon strip is titled simply 'Bib'. and below is the synopsis description from the cover letter that has accompanied it to the top three American Syndicates: King Features, Washington Post Writers Syndicate and Universal Uclick.

Strip Synopsis

Bib is a scientist one moment, an impressionist artist the next, (which he slams and criticises vociferously) a child psychologist (holding forth with his own particular brand of views and opinions, from the coal face as it where), inventor, poet, bohemian, food critic, marriage guidance councillor for the two argumentative garden Gnomes outside and on Thursdays, the leader of the crèche escape committee. Other than that he worries the cat next door, has adventures and flights of fantasy using the kitchen pedal bin as the vehicle for his imagination; avoids the attempts of the amorous dribbling baby from down the street, experiments through his department of dubious sciences on his hapless Grandma, the cat next door and an even more hapless travelling salesman, and wages a campaign of evasion against his slobbering aunt who seems unstoppable and indestructible in her quest for a kiss and a cuddle.

In short, Bib is not your quintessential little baby strip. He tears and howls his way through life as his diminutive little body tries to catch up with his overly developed imagination and mind.

I hope you like what you read and please do leave any comments--- and or your thoughts--- on Bib. Also please, PLEASE do keep coming back as I have so much to share and talk to you about.

Thank you

September 2014

Character Sheet and Strips

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Sleepy Hamlet--Official book launch

Well it's here at last, The Night of the Village Idiots, my first soiree into the grown up world of book publishing--- my first novel--- and its being self published through Amazons' Kindle programme, and soon to go hard copy with CreateSpace.

A lot of you will already be aware of this long overdue event. I have been talking about it's imminent arrival for probably over a year now, and have even published sample chapters herehere and here.

But the good news is that the moment has finally arrived; it is here folks and now its time to big it up and this is where I need your help and the help of anyone you think would be interested in a piece of countryside tom-foolery.

But first of all, let me introduce those of you who are new here and have no idea what I'm wittering on about to the odd-ball, eccentric, nut-job inhabitants of the village of Sleepy Hamlet by way of a synopsis for their first tale, the Night of the Village Idiots.

Synopsis for the Night of the Village Idiots

How could the removal of a family painting, a childhood fear of thunder and lightning and the pub landlord's flu cause so much trouble?

Simple, add a dotty half wit Lord of the manor, place him next to his short fused and volcanic wife, refer to the butler, who is the very model of decorum and upholder the old ways, as the family pet, ignite the head cooks flatulent backside with a lightning bolt, have Mrs Heppleheimer: a crazy octogenarian Bavarian barm pot run the village pub and bring her own brain battering, soul sapping brew of the Norse Gods, get the villagers to try and get her drunk in an ill fated drinking competition which will eventually end up with the mass hypnotism of the village quoits team,  while all the time have the incumbents of Hamlet Hall running around a darkened stately home that's been blacked out by the worst storms in living memory; have an old suit of armour nearly decapitate her Ladyship while she attempts to head her portly husband off in his search for a stepladder and something to remove a picture with, then add to the mix a nervous maid with a curtsying fixation  and a concussed and amnesic head cook who's wondering around the house covered in fruit preserves and compotes, and you have the ingredients for a stormy night with a village full of idiots.

Intrigued? I hope so. Tickled at the thought of what comes next? I hope that to. Have a bit of money burning a hole in your pocket? I really hope for that.

So now all that is left for you to do is go forth and spread the word, my children. Let the people know about the word, and the word is Sleepy Hamlet (well technically that's two words, but for the sake of omnipotence, which is the look I'm going for at the moment, well say it very fast so it sounds like one word), tell them of the gloriously crazy inhabitants of this Eden, inform them of the very low purchase price, and how through a wondrous blog (that's this one, if you were wondering where I was talking about), you can simply click on the book's cover image atop the right hand column and lo, it will be sent via the heavens to your kindle, android or app within seconds, and angels will sing and sinners rejoice and then you to will have the word.

Okay, so I got a little carried away there, but you get the picture. And if you or your friends really like what you read, please pop along to the review section and leave a few favourable comments and lots of stars.

And if you keep coming back here, I will keep you updated as to the next novel in the Sleepy Hamlet chronicles called Tourists in Season, which is already under-way and of which chapter 1 is published at the end of the Night of the Village Idiots.

Of course I will also be keeping you up to date on all of my other projects and ideas, both art and written, so please, don't be a stranger and keep coming back and I will do my best to entertain you.

Thank you in advance.

If you like my blog and the things that I say and do, please tell your friends; mention me on Facebook, Twitter and any of the other fine social media networking sites you use. I would love to have my work reach a much larger audience and although I could no doubt eventually get there under my own steam, I'll get there a lot quicker with your help, so please, please spread the word.

Thank you

Saturday, June 7, 2014

...and finally in the news...

For over twenty years now I've been drawing cartoons to illustrate news stories for the local newspaper market, and its a job I have loved.

I can happily say that some of the best stories you will ever read will come from a local newspaper; mainly because they have to fill their pages with copy, and when that happens you can guarantee some real corkers are going to get printed.

Over the years I've illustrated stories about Orchestras who's instruments are made up of plumbers piping, or tales of the Bog Snorkeling championships--- believe me, I have covered some seriously weird stories.

But the relevance here is that whenever I do one now I will be sharing it with you, and to get you started, here's two previously published gags with a little write up to accompany it, and a bonus one that was never printed, but I just had to do it anyway.

This cartoon covers a story about a perfumier in York, England who have decide to launch a range of deodorants called 'Viking'. The idea is to make the wearer smell just like a real Viking warrior---the only problem is the aromas' vary from, sweat, dried blood, wood smoke and stale mead.

This next one deals with a North Wales (UK) water authority that wants to cut back on its fuel bills by pumping sea water from the nearby Irish Sea and using it instead of oil to heat up and fuel their main pumping station in the area.

My thoughts are below.

The final one didn't actually appear in any magazine or newspaper---for obvious reasons when you read its content---but when I heard about the Santiago council in Chile who had built a giant lime green condom, the size of a building, to educate the cities people about sex education, I just had to draw a cartoon for the hell of it


Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Marketing the Bear---Part 1, Starting small

Quite some time back I wrote an instructional post on How to Draw a water colour cutie. The character I drew then was a character called Big Ol' Bear.

Since then I have been working up a range of designs to self publish him through the greeting cards market. This process has not only dragged on and on, and seemed to have spent an eternity on the back boiler, it has also made me both realise a major problem and discover a new direction.

The problem I encountered was that to launch a new character into an already over populated greeting card market, and without the advantage of the huge marketing machine and vast sums of money available to the Hallmarks of this world, I was going to have to scale a mountain that even Mohamed would have taken one look at and said, 'Sod that'.

So I looked into sub contracting my idea out.

To do this would've involved me selling my designs direct to the small, independent reps who's job it is to service all the small greeting card concessions in their area; this would've given me a network of agents, selling to thousands of little clients, but at a fraction of what I could potentially realise from this project: not to mention the amount of phone calling, driving to and from these reps all over the British Isles and trying to manage the logistical nightmare of making appointments for all reps in each area, over a 24 hour period and managing the exact right amount of time to have the interview and make it to my next appointment.

After a short while it became obvious that this was not a viable way forward. It became very obvious that there had to be another way of getting the bear to market, a way that was not so cluttered and one that would build a good solid fan base--- that would afford me the luxury of taking a recognised brand to these reps and possibly negotiating a better deal.

So I needed a new way forward. A revolutionary way of taking my new creation, Big Ol' Bear to market in such a way that would not only get him noticed, but maximise his earning potential in a very short space of time; something that was going to be very important for someone who was artist, designer, salesman and publisher all in one unsure little middle aged package.

But its been done before, right? Didn't Hanna Barbera do just that? Didn't they have to re invent the cartoon wheel when their careers came crashing down around their collective ears? And didn't they invent the new medium of TV animation, a concept we take for granted nowadays, but was a revolution back then?

Now I've already said that I think I have come up with a new direction---my ground breaker, as it where---So the aim of this new ongoing set of posts within our Diary of a Cartoonist and Writer is to take you through the process that I'm about to embark upon. Over the next, god only knows how many posts, I will be sharing the journey of me and my character, Big Ol' Bear, with you as we move into the uncertain world of turning a water colour sketch into a greeting card brand---using only my wits and intuition as a guide. Because I sure as hell have no marketing skills or qualifications

So hang on in there and you may just be party to the start of the next big thing.

On my next post I will tell you Big Ol' Bear's back story, and how if it wasn't for the comments of a friend who just happened to stop by my studio for a chat one night, Big Ol' Bear may still be residing in my vast 'dead pile' of scribbled ideas.

If you like my blog and the things that I say and do, please tell your friends; mention me on Facebook, Twitter and any of the other fine social media networking sites you use. I would love to have my work reach a much larger audience and although I could no doubt eventually get there under my own steam, I'll get there a lot quicker with your help, so please, please spread the word.

Thank you

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Creation of a new Character Part 4

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

Now this really is a simple one, so far as tutorials go. I know you’ve all be patient with me and viewed the other three tutorials in this range and I hope you have taken something or a lot away from them.

In this tutorial I will be talking about how I script a comics’ page. I will not deal with how to make it funny, poignant, dark, sinister, light-hearted or any of the other emotions that go into producing the modern comic book, or graphic novel. But at the bottom of this post I’ll be publishing the page and a half story that is the end result of all four tutorials.

This should help illustrate what I'll be explaining in today's post and hopefully help you when you come to writing your first, all important, comics story

The comics’ page, as opposed to the comic strip, which is a much more compact and tighter version, follows these few simple rules:

1.       Have a beginning, middle and an end
2.       Introduction of the character
3.       Set the scene
4.       Run the story
5.       End it with a summarised point of the whole story

Have a middle, beginning, middle and an end 

Like all stories they must have a beginning a middle and an end. I know this sounds simple and logical, and when you are producing a graphic novel that sprawls over hundreds of pages, that may sound like good practice, but when you are putting out a two page story for a comic, or a collection of short gag pages, or even worse a one pager, this can be a difficult rule to work to. But without it your story loses its structure, and anything without structure will, as I'm sure your are aware, crumble and collapse.

Introduction of the character

Unless you have an instantly recognisable character, like Superman, Mickey Mouse or Bart Simpson, you will have to introduce your character within the first few panels and do it in such a way that your characters personality, or character trait, is established from the off. This is so much more important when introducing a new idea to a largely sceptical audience.

Set the Scene

This is the only chance you'll have to lay the solid foundations that will give your story or gag the desired punchline or ending.
In the page below this is illustrated when the refuse collector is trying to complete a simple task that Captain Alzheimer's problems and issues will turn into a mountain that Mohammed would think twice about. So in this case, the simple task not only set the scene but lined up the punchline.

Run the Story

Once you have the character introduced and the scene set you can then put in as many sight gags, comments and situations around that theme as possible---depending, of course on space. Once again the page and a half below illustrates the growing confusion and forgetful nature of the strips main character.

End it with a summarised point of the whole story

Put simply: when you think you've said all you wanted to, or exhausted the stories themes and gags you will need to fold the tale up.
Once again, in the tale below, I used the introduction of another character to remove the strips star away from the main scene and inevitable dead end. This enables the reader to clearly delineate from the main thrust of the tale to the story's end game; in this case his release into his long suffering wife's custody. The story then ends with a re enforcement of the main character's personality trait with the promise of what more strips on this theme would be like.

Now I know the subject matter may not be to every one's taste, but like I said in the first post, this character was created for a specific market. A market that relies on the off colour humour that is beloved by so many.

I hope you have enjoyed these tutorials and will want to see more. If you do please click on the tutorials page and soak up a whole load more. And if you really like what you see and read then please, please mention me on your social network sites, link this page and let your friends know of our little corner of the web; a place where the mind of this writer and cartoonist dribbles out all over the pages and gives you segmented cartoon stories, tutorials, humorous short stories and just plain silly stuff and nonsense.

Anyway, by way of a thank you for trawling through these tutorials, I have, as promised, posted the finished page and a half of the completed Captain Alzheimer strip.

Enjoy and Bonn Appetite

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Do I come here often?

Now before I go any further, I want you all to know that what I am about to recount is not a sign of ageing or the onset of senility. I have been doing the stuff I describe below for as long as I can remember; it is a result of having too much stuff flying around my head, which in turn gets me into more sticky situations than I probably deserve to be in.

That said, here we go:

I got into the house this morning and shook off the effects of a momentary rain storm that had liberally sprinkled its presence all about my person. I wanted to put my phone on charge and went instinctively to my back pocket, only to find I’d left it in the car. So I went back over the road, along the street and into the car park only to discover I had forgotten the car keys. I went back home, took off my shoes, got the key, left the house; realised I’d forgotten my shoes, came back in, put them on went over the car and realised I’d put the car keys down while I was putting my shoes back on.

I went back to the house; kept my shoes on and returned to the car; stood there for a while, trying to remember why I was over here, opened the door, picked up my laptop and came home. Got to the house realised I’d put the house key down while getting the computer. So I went back over the car, got the key, came back, got in the house and realised I’d forgotten my phone and the laptop.

Over I went again, opened the car door and an alarm I didn’t recognise went off. It wasn’t until a very large, red faced gentleman--- who came charging over with intent sparkling out of one eye, murder flaming from the other and a baseball bat swinging from his hand--- that I realised I was sitting in the wrong car. Or to be more precise: His car. When I explained to him--- in what I considered to be perfectly innocent banter--- that I was looking for a laptop and a mobile phone, he seemed to become even more agitated and proceeded to chase me around the car park; his baseball bat flying about his head like an unstable fair ground attraction.

I, for my part, was trying to multi task by locating my car keys, evading the bloated heathen and his gyratory baseball bat and the commentary on what his hearts’ desire and fondest wishes were, vis a vi, him getting hold of me. I must admit they weren’t very imaginative and seemed to revolve largely around his baseball bat and my skull.

Eventually I realised that I’d left the car keys in the house again; so now I had to put him off the scent, as it where, lest he discover where I live and call upon more help from other baseball bat wielding members of his rather excitable but shallow gene pool of a family. Suddenly I shouted ‘Look, an England Rugby fan’ and with his anger momentarily miss-directed, I slipped out of the car park and into my house.

I waited for a while, checked to see if the coast was clear--- and that I had my car keys and shoes on--- tentatively headed back over to the car park--- where the large ginger man appeared to have either lost interest or widened his search for the elusive England fan--- nipped over to my car--- made sure it was my car--- opened it, picked up my phone and laptop then rushed home, thoroughly soaked but with everything finally under the same roof.

And people wonder why I get in the house at 7:00 but don’t get into bed until 10:30.